Personal Reflections of a Different Kind

No, I won't be writing any poetry.

I just went to see The Hulk (which was surprisingly enjoyable, by the way) and started to think about terrible fate that has befallen the past few fox licensed Marvel movies (Fantastic Four, Fantastic Four 2, X-MEN 3, Spiderman 3, Daredevil)

There was a point in my life where I would watch any movie, ANY MOVIE (sometimes twice). I'm talking things like: Kindergarten Cop: 2 (Starring Arnie Schawrz) The Landlady (With the tagline; Evil doesn't knock, it has a key!) and Glitter (Mariah Carey, I went TO the theater to see it!).

I don't want you to misunderstand, I'm aware Arnold Schwarzenegger can't act, I think horror movies are stupid, and I don't secretly lust after Mariah Carey, let alone like anything about her. I don't deem any of these movies enjoyable, watchable or likable by any stretch, and can safely say not one bone in my body ever wanted to see them.

To answer the obvious question, "Well, why the fuck did you watch them?".
I love watching movies. Love love love LOVE it!
I've seen Return of the King 53 times in theaters, I save ticket stubs in a box under my bed, I get goosebumps when I hear the Indiana Jones theme.

Needles to say, throughout my life I've seen some pretty TERRIBLE movies, and I believe I've grown to have a sound opinion on the general quality of a movie (i.e. "You Don't Mess With the Zohan" = Bad, "Iron Man" = Good).
That being said, a large majority of the films that I deem to be "essential" (or that made the greatest impact on me as a film-maker) are absolute shit...like....really terrible... I should probably never tell anyone, it's that bad. Watching so many movies has made me realize how terrible these movies are overall, yet I still truly believe that they are brilliant movies. I'm not talking "so bad it's good", I mean, I will set aside time to throughly go through these movies so I can enjoy every minute of them.


So here we are, in no particular order


DOUBLE DRAGON (1994) (MCA - UNIVERSAL) "Evil just met it's match"

visit videodetective.com for more info

Set in the future (like every quality movie should be) we follow the adventures of two teenage brothers (Jimmy and Billy a la "Double Dragon" the video game) who hold one half of an ancient Chinese medallion in their possession. The medallion (whose other half is in the hands of the evil villain) contains the mystical and unfathomable power of the "DOUBLE DRAGON!". Needless to say, evil dude wants it, and lots of badass 90s inspired kung fu ensues.

Now available on VHS!
I can't tell you HOW many times I made my mother rent this when it came out.
Years later I was afraid to touch it, usually movies aren't as good as you remember them, BUT THIS ONE IS! REALLY! It's still so wonderful.

THE TRIAL OF THE INCREDIBLE HULK (1989) (NBC)



Made for T.V. movie based on the famous Lou Ferrigno show "The Incredible Hulk".
As the video just said, The Hulk is tired of running and goes on trial for being The Hulk. You must be asking "What sets this apart from any other episode of the Incredible Hulk?" , well I'll tell you what, MATT MURDOCK! OUR FAVORITE BLIND SUPERHERO/ATTORNEY (Daredevil) IS THE HULKS LAWYER! YES! For those of you who know Daredevil (from the comics and not the vomit inducing Ben Affleck pic) you know that he is BAD-ASS! Just look at this clip, stay watching until the end for a totally tasteful blind joke and the classic "lonely man" piano theme:



Don't ask me why he's wearing a black jumpsuit, it's apparently his superhero outfit (yeah, I dunno).

FASTER PUSSYCAT! KILL! KILL! (1965) (EVE PRODUCTIONS)



All you need to know: it's about three strippers in a desert.
I've ALWAYS wanted to make a bad ass tribute to this movie starring some hot babes in the desert doing hot babe things.

GODZILLA:FINAL WARS (2004) (TOHO FILM)



This film was released in celebration of fifty awesome years of Godzilla! Aliens invade they Earth and it's up to Godzilla and friends to save them. Oh yeah, the aliens also control all the other Godzilla characters introduced over every movie since the first, INCLUDING GODZILLA FROM THE TERRIBLE GODZILLA 2000! He gets his ass kicked :).
I must have watched this at my old work 1000 times. First of all, the thing that makes this a great movie: everyone is in leather, ALL THE TIME. I remember thinking "what do they wear at Funerals? Weddings? Bar mitzvahs?" I know the answer, leather.

JESUS CHRIST VAMPIRE HUNTER (2001) (ODESSA)



Just like the title says, Jesus Christ, Vampire Hunter. My love for this film probably derives from the love I feel for old kung fu movies, most notably "Road to Shanghai" (which I can't find, ANYWHERE). Below is my favorite scene in the movie.




THE WIZARD (1989)



Fred Savage in the longest Nintendo commercial! Also famous for the first appearance of Tobey McGuire.

This movie has some great quotes:

"Hey, it's the Wizard! I hope you don't get nervous like last time. We wouldn't want you to...”whizz" on someone!"

"Yeah, well, just keep your Power Gloves off her, pal."

And of course...



"I love the power glove, it's so bad"


HACKERS (1995) (UNITED ARTISTS)



Honestly, this ties for favorite movie of all time.
I don't know what I could tell you that the trailer didn't, other than the fact that THIS MOVIE IS AMAZING!

Some gems:


"You wanted to know who I am, Zero Cool? Well, let me explain the New World Order. Governments and corporations need people like you and me. We are Samurai... the Keyboard Cowboys... and all those other people who have no idea what's going on are the cattle... Moooo"

"If it isn't Leopard Boy and the Decepticons"

"Zero Cool? Crashed fifteen hundred and seven computers in one day? Biggest crash in history, front page New York Times August 10th, 1988. I thought you was black man. YO THIS IS ZERO COOL!"

AHHHH!
I LOVE THAT LINE!
AHHHH!

YOU CAN BUY THIS MOVIE NEW FOR 9.99 AT AMAZON!
DO IT!
DO IT NOW!

There's some more, but now I'm so excited about Hackers that I can't remember...