We all live, in a Pokemon world...

...and I wanna be, the greatest master of them all!

Everyone, lets cut the bullshit.
We all know the REAL reason I'm in Japan.
Pokemon.
Sure, many of you are internet lulzing right now, thinking that I've just made another one of my over the top hilarious jokes. I can see you all right now:
"Lulz, Pokemans."
...but you only wish it was a joke.
Deep down you know that Pokemon rule.
Everyday you hope that when you die, Heaven is actually Kanto from Pokemon Red/Blue....where you will be free to catch and battle Pokemon to your hearts content.

In reality, I'm sure that half of you dont even know what Pokemon are.
To quote Prof. Oak:



Hello there!
Welcome to the world of POKEMON!
My name is OAK! People call me the POKEMON PROF!
This world is inhabited by creatures called POKEMON!
For some people, POKEMON are pets.
Others use POKEMON for fights.
Myself....I study POKEMON as a profession.

As a child, nothing was more badass than being able to catch your own tiny freakish animals and have them fight other peoples tiny freakish animals. As an adult, nothing is more badass than being able to catch your own tiny freakish animals, and have them fight other peoples tiny freakish animals.

When you think of the lasting power of children's toys, games and television shows, you know that their lifespan is short (but the memories last forever guys!).
TMNT and Transformers I suppose are the exception, although both have been re-made for a new generation, and have had modern movies come out recently.
Pokemon (the t.v. show) has starred Ash and his stupid electric mouse Pikachu for 10 years now. Pokemon (the game) has been around for 12, and it's arguably exactly the same. No beefed up 3D graphics, you're still just tiny 8 bit 10 year old on your first Pokemon adventure, swearing at every Rattata (or now, Bidoof) you encounter.

This post will be my Pokemon post, any Pokemon related news or events will be posted here for your Pokemon pleasure.


When I got off the boat at Osaka, I literally left it singing the Pokemon theme.
By the time I reached the Subway, I had switched to the Pokemon Johto theme.
Once I had exited, found myself at the Diamond and Pearl theme song.
After I ran out of theme songs, I mumbled the Poke-rap to myself.
You see, I was on a mission, nay, not a mission....
AN ADVENTURE!
A Pokeventure!

I had heard about these fabled "Pokecenters" and I was on an adventure to find the Osaka one.

I stopped into a nearby Hilton hotel and asked the receptionist with pride.
"Where is the Pokecenter?"
She stared at me silently for a moment, then scurried away.
She returned with a binder marked "KIDS" and opened it to the first page.
There, in all it's glory, was a tiny map in Japanese, indicating how to get to the Pokemon center. I thought of this as my "Town Map" like the one you encounter in the game. I grabbed it and literally ran around town trying to find the place (Maps are not my strong suit...)

From what I could tell, the map said I was close....then I saw this:



Oh my God, Oh my God, Oh my God....



OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD

Literally...that's how I felt.
My heart swelled with Pokemon pride!

Upon entering I nearly pee'd myself.
Not only was this store the store of my dreams, but it was playing POKECENTER MUSIC!

You see, in the game, a "Pokecenter" is basically a Pokemon hospital. After your Pokemon finish kicking other Pokemon's asses, you bring them to a Pokecenter, where all their wounds are healed. In the game, every Pokecenter you enter, regardless of what town your in, plays the same song.

There I was, standing amongst buttloads of Pokemans, with the Pokecenter theme playing.

Let us take a look at some of the Pokewares...



POKEMON TIME!



WOW! POKE HAT!
Most of you that are reading this probably only remember Ash's hat from the first series (or you have no idea what the fuck I'm talking about).
That hat is worn by the female character you play as in the new Pokemon game, Diamon and Pearl. I feared buying it.
See if I bought it and wore it then I'd have to buy a pokescarf and a pokeshirt and-
Well to summarize, I'd be alone forever.



An assortment of Pokemon curries and drinks.
I wish every meal was a Pokemeal



Thank GOD I'm not in to plushies! They had these HUGE Pokemon dolls (in the top left you can see some) and man are these things expensive! The tiny ones on the middle shelf are ten dollars.

I forgot that Pokemon have different names here. When they come to the states, they change their names (Pikachu is still Pikachu).

For example, the blue penguin you see in this photo is a starter from Diamond and Pearl named "Piplup". At home, if you buy a Piplup plushie, you can squeeze it and it will go "Piplup! Piplup!" (Pokemon don't talk, they can only say their names).

I grabbed a Piplup here and it started screaming at me "POCHAMA! POCHAMAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
I threw it as far away from me as possible, children stared.



Some people may ask:
"But Gabriela, what would you do with a 40cm blow up Pokeball?"
No.
The REAL question is
"What WOULDN'T I do with a 40cm blow up Pokeball?"



Stupid Pokecenter knows my one weakness, cartoon themed bubble bath....



Mom, just say the word and you have a pair of Pokemon oven mitts for the home! ...Please say the word?



Goddamn fire monkey, following me everywhere....



When I went to check out, a woman working there had this strapped to her belt, making her look like a true Pokemon trainer. Of course I screamed, pointed and then said (in English) "WHERE DID YOU GET THAT?!". She found a woman to escort me to where it was, they even let me try it on, and let me tell you...I looked like the biggest tool.

See, I have a huge ass (I'm not ragging on myself, it's just science folks) and when you add tassles or pokeballs to it, it just looks ridiculous. I felt kinda but, but I knew that if it was a REAL pokeball I'd look awesome.



"Buy meeeeeee Gabriela...you love pies!"
"Yes, I do love Pies...but you're not pie shaped! Lies!"
"But I'm winking at you Pika pi! And there are so many Pokemon on this carton!"
"Oh dear God it's all true....NO! Must....resist!"




"Hey Gabriela, you LOOOOVE colouring books!"
"Yes, I do. How do you Pokemon know all this stuff!?"
"We're Pokemon, we know everything, now buy our colouring books!"
"No! I said I'd save money!"
"But look! Starter Pokemon! Mudkips! You love Mudkips!"
"No! Stop! I won't!"



"No Gabriela don't buy that colouring book, buy meeee, I'm a note book. You like...notes..."
"You're three dollars! Why pokemon why! I thought you loved me! Why would you charge three dollars for something so small?!"

This was my Pokemon experience.



The soon to be watched Pokemon movie!



I ended up spending 50 dollars on Pokemon stuff (at the Osaka Pokemon center and Tokyo center combined)
Dude, that's....admirable.



Thank God the woman at the cash gave me the Turtwig bag. I was so afraid I'd have to ask for it. I do have SOME shame....



The Piplup (Pochama!) bag



Pikapi bag

Here's my swag!!



A Mudkip magnet



A Bulbasaur notebook, front and back






A misc Pokemon notebook front and back





A Bulby binder



A Pokeball!



I wonder whats inside...



GODDAMN FIRE MONKEY!

Stuff that there are no pictures of for some reason:

- A Piplup/Pikachu pillow
- A Charmander notebook
- A Squirtle notebook
- A Turtwig, Chimchar, Piplup, Pikachu cereal bowl
- A Turtwig binder
- A Chimchar binder
- A Piplup binder
- A Pachirisu hankey
- A Master Ball
- A Great Ball
- A Turtwig figure
- A Shaymin figure
- A Pokeball lollypop holder
- Some stuff I'm forgetting

Here are some pictures from the Tokyo Pokecenter, there were a bajillion people in it, so it was hard to take pictures.



Charmander, Piplup and Pikachu at the door to greet me.



PALKIA
RAWR



DIALGA
RAWR




CHARIZARD
RAWR



CHILDREN
RAWR




Pokeclock!

One of the first things I did when I got to Tokyo, is went out to see the new Pokemon movie, GIRATINA AND THE BOUQUET OF THE SKY!



I went to a theatre in Shinjuku and booked a ticket for the late show....6:00

I decided that I would partake in eating something really fucking weird during the movie (they have some weird stuff for sale at the popcorn stands) that was until I saw THIS:



WOW!
I CAN PUT POPCORN IN IT!
AND....OTHER STUFF!

On my way home I put my bus ticket in it, USE-FUL!
I caried this thing around EVERYWHERE I went! Like all the other seven year olds!
I went up and DEMANDED this Popcorn ...case... with my limited Japanese!
I just strolled right up and POINTED to an image of it! Then nodded! Then pointed to SALTY on the popcorn options!
I rule!

When I got to the theatre, it became apparent that I didn't rule as much as I thought I did. Everyone else was seven, or a parent of a seven year old.
LAME!

When I sat down however, the guy beside me was a few years older than me, and I saw that he owned both Diamond AND Pearl. Me and him looked each other in the eye and saw to the depths of each others souls, we understood that we were both true Pokefans and didn't need to utter another word to each other...cause we just knew....

Actually that was a completely lie, I stared at him from out of the corner of my eye to see how he was downloading the new legendary Pokemon to his game system of from the theatre. Then he turned and caught me looking at him so I quickly looked away.

Still,
bad-ass.

The movie started and it dawned on me that I know four words in Japanese:

Kuso (Damn)
Pan (Bread)
Moshi Moshi (Hello on the telephone)
Hai (Yes)

Regardless, I think I got the jist of the movie (It was a Pokemon movie, not a Lynch film) and was ENTHRALLED! The kid beside me got bored halfway through and started playing his DS the ungrateful little bastard....

Here is my "I only speak English and saw a Japanese Pokemon movie" recap
SKIP IF YOU HATE POKEMON!!!

The movie starts off to a Magomortar and some Pokemon that I don't know having some epic half CG half animated battle that BLEW MY MIND!
As far as I could tell and assume the narrator was explaining the world of Pokemon, as if someone on the street saw the movie poster and went "Pokemon...I wonder what that is..." wandered into the theatre and is now breathing a sigh of reliefe at the fact that they've explained the wild world of Pokemon to him.

Seriously, we're either all
1) Nerds
2) Children
or
3) Mothers and Fathers who don't give a shit

Moving on,

The REAL action begins when we see legendary Pokemon Shaymin crawling around.



Shaymin hides from all the Pokemon around it (via looking like a plant) until it comes to a serene river, where it stops to take a drink.

Then suddenly Dialga fuckin' beams in from ABOSOLUTELY NOWHERE, content to fuck Shaymin's shit up!
FYI, Dialga is at least as big as a house.



Well as it turns out, Dialga isn't there to mess with anyones biznass, he just wants to take a drink from the pond! What a joker.

Meanwhile, in an alternate universe underneathe the Earth (I wish I was lying) some random evil guy and the Pokemon Giratina are watching Dialga take his afternoon drink. Then suddenly, a portal opens up and tries to suck Dialga into the underworld with Giratina!
SERIOUS.
STUFF.

A tornado comes out and pulls Dialga (along with Shaymin) into this alternate universe/underworld.


Giratina looking like a giant worm.

So Giratina and Dialga start going at it like a couple of frat boys, with nameless evil dude watching and laughing from a far...like a slutty sorority girl who knows that regardless of the fights outcome, she can have her way with either dude...anyways!

Shaymin (who is about 1/1000th of Dialga's size) meanwhile is caught in the midst of this. It gets bumped around a few times before using it's CRAZY HIDDEN JAPANESE POKEMON POWER to blow a hole in the universe! Dialga and Shaymin escape through the hole while Giratina can't get out (universe rules I guess?). Dialga proceeds to fly off (you know how funny it is to see a huge dinosaur fly?) while Shaymin falls in a river and gets carried away. Evil guy takes note of Shaymin's AWESOME POWER!1!1!1ONE!!

The film then switches over to the three main characters, Ash (Satoshi), Dawn (Hikari) and Brock (Takeshi).
We see Brock in a pink apron cooking up some pancakes on the barbeque (*Shrugs*).
Pikachu and Piplup jump up and demand some pancakes for themselves, they want in on that pancake actoin!
Brock leads them over to a corner where he reveals (hidden under a towel) a whole Pokemon feast! Woo!

This then leads into the obligatory "Look at all the Pokemon we have!" scene.
Brock, Dawn and Ash then let out all their Pokemon to feast on the Poke...food...

Out come Ash's Pokemon: Chimchar, Turtwig (because having TWO starter Pokemon isn't weird at all) Buizel and Staravia. Dawn's Pokemon: Pachrisu, Buneary and Ambipom and Brock's: Happiny, Sudowoodo (I think?) and Croagunk (Asshole).

Just as the Pokemon are about to start their feast Piplup notices that some Pokemon has wandered up and starting eating the pancakes! Pissed the fuck off, Piplup gets up on the table and tries pull a pancake away from the Pokemon, the Pokemon then proceedes to quickly eat the pancake and even bited Piplups hand. Hilarity ensues and somehow everything explodes.

Now that the food is gone, the rest of the Pokemon seek sweet sweet revenge on the pancake eating Pokemon. Dawn quickly breaks it all up and picks up the Pokemon to run it under water (it's dirty) after being cleaned up the Pokemon reveals itself to be Shaymin! SHOCK!

Oh yeah, it can also speak telepathically *Shrugs*.

Anywho, I think the thing says it's lost, then Brock decides it has a fever so they venture out to a Pokecenter. The rest of the Pokemon go back into their Pokeballs, never to be seen or heard from again.

At the Pokecenter, Nurse Joy (after an obligatory "Brock hitting on Nurse Joy, only to be dragged away" scene) concludes that the Pokemon is super rare, and lives in the forest. Good eye ya got there Nurse Joy!

Team Rocker also overhears this conversation and become interested in obtaining Shaymin. They're hiding in a closet nearby *Shrugs*.

They step outside and Shaymin figures out it can control where Ash walks if it stays on his head. I think they're trying to figure out how to get back to the forest.

Soon after leaving the Pokecenter, Team Rocket tries to steal Shaymin but get sucked into the underworld through a statue (remember the crazy alternative universe) Ash and Dawn also get sucked in but Brock gets left behind.

In the underworld it's explained that last movie, during the Dialga and Palkia fight, the underworld got polluted *Shrugs*. Shaymin can take in this pollution and turn it into energy causing a giant hole to rip in the universe. Evil dude wants Shaymin to do this so Giratina can get out (for why? we don't know yet). It also explains that in this world Giratina has a hard on for killing things when Shaymin powers up *shrugs*.

Somehow they get back to the real world and continue on their journey. Evil guy follows them on a floating segway and gets his team of magnemites to go after them.

Ash and co. board a train where they meet a woman who is holding a bouquet of flowers. When Shaymin is exposed to the bouquet it evolves into it's "Sky Form" and flies around the train.

The Magnemites catch up to the train and get their ass kicked by Pikachu, Piplup and Shaymin.

Ash and co then move onto a boat where their Pokemon have fun flying around until they are sucked into alternate underworld again to battle Giratina.

Shaymin is all psyched up to fight Giratina in it's new form when it suddenly de-evolves back to it's hedgehog looking self. Ash and everyone takes cover and then...

A bunch of crap happens. I really don't remember.

This is what I DO remember.

They end up outside (Giratina too) and Giratina takes on his land form (kind of looking like a Dialga with wings) then decides it's too weak to go on and makes like it's dying. Shaymin heals Giratina (even though it tried to KILL everyone) and Giratina is saved. Ash isn't sure if Giratina is still evil. Pikachu gets brave and climbs up to Giratina's face exclaiming "Pika!". We then find out Giratina was totally pulling our legs after he goes "Wearruuuu" and all the Pokemon rejoice and laugh.

Good times.

But then crazy evil dude comes out with this huge Giratina catcher....zepplin...and catches Giratina! Some guy explains that evil guy used to be a scientist with him and his plan is to harness Giratina's power for evil...or something...

Ash and his Pokemon blow up the ship and Giratina is free! BUT THEN - evil guy comes back in a ship and starts an avalanche. This wakes up Regigigas (also an asshole) who tries to stop the avalanche from crushing townsfolk nearby. Giratina and Shyamin follow evil dude and try to stop his crazy plans.

Pokepals win, evil guy's ship gets frozen and Ash flies in on a giant Giratina.

Sweet.

And Regigigigigigigas is still a jackass.

The place where they land just HAPPENS to be Shaymins forest.
Shaymin flies off with the other Shaymins, leaving Ash crying like a little girl.

It was awesome.
More Pokemon soon to come!